Expecting God

Day two, only 363 to go to accomplish my non-resolution. I suspect my reluctance to describe my decision to attempt daily blogging for a year as a "resolution" has much to do with my skepticism about people keeping them. I'm also uncertain I will sustain enough momentum to care about this through January, much less the year. But in the moment I'm in, the blog feels as though its serving me and not the other way around.

I'm in Charlotte, NC with dear friends. We're soon leaving to rendezvous with a friend of Michal's, and will then be heading to Atlanta, GA for Passion 2010. I expect to hear from God there. I've felt that way for a couple weeks, and I find myself wondering why. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I haven't been at any sort of conference event for three years? Maybe its connected with my past experiences at Passion, which have certainly been filled with insights. There may even be a connection with the fact that the "new" year has just begun, and like most people, there is a sense of hope for improvement and positive change in this year.

But this whole idea of putting God on a clock or calendar is intriguing. We schedule an event -- church, conference, mission trip, small group -- and expect God to show up. And the crazy thing is, he often does. Even though the Spirit is a free agent, He seems to cooperate far more often than one might think since He's under no obligation or compulsion to do so. It makes me wonder whether God is just so universally available that we can experience Him powerfully at any moment but that He requires our focused attention for us to perceive His movement. Elijah didn't perceive God moving until after the dramatic grasped his attention. Then he heard the still small voice I suspect he could have heard any time he'd been ready to listen. But he needed to shut up long enough to be able to hear it over his own chattering (both internal and external).

Which takes me to Atlanta and the next four days. I'm pretty sure God's no more in Atlanta than in Roanoke (though some days I may wonder). But its very difficult for me to stop and listen even when I try. The forces of routine and distraction are strong. The expectations of others laid upon us are much more insistent than the gentle tugs on our heart. And the two aren't meant to be exclusive anyway, but cooperative. The balance is a struggle I believe we can improve our ability to address. But I suspect finding it is a lifetime project.

So I'm expecting God.....I think. Because under the layers of "I just need to slow down," there is also a fear. The fear of disappointment looms larger after the spectre of 2009. After waiting for a year for resolution, I'm not sure I'm any closer than I was last January to knowing what it is God has in mind for me "next." I don't even really know if there IS a next. And that recognition has helped me identify my greatest fear in life. My greatest fear is that life won't make sense. That the disparate pieces of my journey will never fit together and I will die with a pile of puzzle pieces that I've spent my life futilely trying to assemble.