Experiential Paradox

The only time we can experience God is now.  When the Lord shared his name with Moses, he expressed himself as present tense existence -- "I am that I am."  We can recall those moments in the past, or anticipate those moments in the future.  But we can only experience Him in the present.  We are currently time-bound mortal creatures who are limited by years, months, days, and hours.  We cannot step laterally in the time continuum to experience what is going on in some other moment.

Because of that, our apprehension of the moment we are in is typically far keener than our ability to discern what has taken place or (more particularly) what will take place.  As I consider God's role in my current experience, I cannot help but feel blessed.  I recently shared with a brother in Christ that I wouldn't trade my life for anyone else's.  We have all we need, our family is healthy and content.  I serve in a church where I can worship as well as lead others.  I believe the Lord uses me to make a difference in the lives of others, and I'm seldom called upon to suffer.  [As an intriguing sidenote, while I was writing that last sentence a student approached me and asked me about Mormonism.  She recently went to church with a Mormon friend of hers and wanted to ask me about some things she had been told.  What a timely demonstration of what I was just writing!]

That being said, I still find myself frequently questioning the metanarrative of my life.  Why is it that I have so many pieces of my own experience that seem to not fit?  Why is it that so many thoughts I was relatively sure of have apparently been mistaken?  The filming for this year's season of Survivor began on June 14th.  My Dad died on June 16th.  When things like that happen, at least the moment I'm in seems vindicated by the unfolding of events.  But I feel like there are so many other things that don't make sense.

What makes this particularly vexing is when I have the same subjective sense about events in someone else's life and it is spot on.  For example, when our youth minister and his (soon to be) wife were wrestling with whether to live in Roanoke -- a big factor was the unlikelihood of her finding a teaching job when the schools in our area are laying teachers off.  I felt led to say I believed that when they chose to come to Roanoke that God would open that door.  Not only did events unfold that way, but it required very little effort and was exactly the type of job and school she was seeking.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Yet when I have a feeling or sense about what is coming for me, my record is quite poor.  Every time I think something is going to happen, a change is going to come, or some transition will take place -- it doesn't.  Is this because I'm not doing what I need to do?  Have I sabotaged it by doing something I ought not to do?  Is the real problem that I'm still waiting or being prepared for what is yet to come?  Or is the truth that I'm too emotionally connected to my own situation to accurately discern what God is doing in my own life?  I don't know, but hope I someday will understand.

Meanwhile, I am experiencing a paradox.  I feel so blessed in the moment that I'm in, and sometimes abandoned in the big picture.  But then, that's just a feeling.