How Are You Doing?

Have you ever had someone ask you how you are doing and you had no idea how to answer?  This has happened to me regularly for some time, and particularly over the past week.  In the wake of my father's passing, I've wrestled with knowing where I am in the grieving process.  I wonder if I've been thinking too much to be able to feel as much as I ought to be feeling?

When I was in my 20's, I avoided the topic of death habitually.  I didn't want to go anywhere near the dying or funerals.  The Lord helped me break through this barrier when I got a call shortly after arriving at New Hope telling me the father of one of the kids in the Youth Group had died.  I was asked to go to the funeral home.  I reluctantly drove to Vinton and entered the funeral home.  There at the front of the parlor was the casket and the student standing beside it.  Family members asked me to go get the student because they needed to start the service and he was stuck there.  I remember thinking, "I'm supposed to go get him?"  I walked to the front and stood beside him for a few moments.  Then suddenly as if he was snapping out of a dream he looked up and said of his father, "He's not there (in his body) any more."  With that, the spell was broken, and we walked together down the aisle.

Now as I'm approaching my mid 40's, I deal with the topic of death far more often.  I minister to adults now, not just youth.  I've been at the bedside of quite a few people at their passing.  I've watched many families deal with the loss of a loved one.  As I've observed people going through various stages of grief, it has been remarkable to me just how precisely some of the stages can be identified.  But it is a different thing when the one grieving is you.  A stack of condolence cards reminds you that you are in the thoughts and prayers of others.  But of course the source of real inner peace is the One to whom we pray.

I guess what I'm wrestling with at this point is the question of whether the peace I feel signals the end of the grieving process for now?  Or perhaps I'm just moving from one stage of grief to the next?  How do I know?  Does the fact that I cannot help but analyze the emotional process keep me from fully embracing the experience I am going through?  This is what is on my mind these days.

So, how am I doing?  Honestly, I don't know.  I'm trying to enjoy life, return to a stable routine, be a good father to my kids and husband to my wife.  The desires to read and write and listen are becoming more acute.  In the past these impulses have been positive indications for my soul.  If this is still true, I suppose for now I'm doing just fine.